What sparks this post is a handful of blogs advocating the precise opposite, never listen to your wife, mostly red pill churchian blogs trying to claim this is biblical or something.
This stuff makes me crazy because if it isn’t the outright path to divorce, it will lead to the utter destruction of a wife who tries to cope with such foolishness.
I really like men, how their brains work, how they perceive the world, but this one thing is a weakness that I think is innate to many. He doesn’t get it, he can’t hear me, he just doesn’t listen. I hear that from women all the time. I say it myself sometimes.
Nobody’s perfect, nobody’s going to get it right every time, but still, some effort must be made in the name of all reason and common sense.
To listen, to hear does not mean to necessarily agree, to approve, to completely change course, or to fix things. To not listen however, is a clear indication of disrespect and contempt. It could be unintentional, as in someone has really poor communication skills and doesn’t know how to listen, or it could be deliberate, as in I read on a red pill blog you should never listen to your wife because it’s unbiblical. Regardless, there’s not a woman in this world that won’t read not being heard, not being listened to, as disrespect and outright contempt.
It breaks my heart knowing there are people in the world promoting such tripe….. and people in the world dumb enough to believe it.
Contempt is the leading cause of divorce. Sometimes I read blogs from divorced men, some who are very wise and who now understand, and some who are completely baffled. Many of us on the outside can see the problem clearly, you poured endless contempt and disrespect over your wife, refused to listen to her when she kept telling you something was wrong, and now you blame all of woman kind. Yes, well those of us reading are not puzzled by why she left, we’re puzzled by why she stayed for so long trying to get you to listen to her.
It’s not always men who are to blame when relationships end, but the truth is women are far wiser about how to make relationships work than men are. And even when we aren’t, we are far wiser about what is going on within ourselves. Women can often see things that men can’t. Being a helpmate is not simply about cleaning the toilets. We are an extra pair of eyes with a unique perspective on the world.
The bible says men are to love their wives as Jesus Christ loves the church. Christ hears our prayers, He listens to us, He even takes our needs and desires into account and accommodates many of them. Sometimes He simply comforts us and provides something different, sometimes something better, but what He never does is refuse to hear our prayers and petitions.
Well actually, ironically there is a time He does say He will not listen, 1 Peter 3:7, Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
Yes, give honour unto the wife…that your prayers be not hindered.
So Dalrock dismissively writes a post called, “she only acted crazy to get her own way” and Vox Day writes things like, “never be moved by her tears” and my heart just sinks wondering who taught these men these things, this blatant cruelty and disrespect, and who would be so foolish as to believe scripture actually backs this nonsense up?
If someone is crying, breaking wedding china, becoming depressed, those are signs of emotional distress. Your wife is obviously distressed! Not being heard, not being listened to. To imply she is just being crazy to manipulate you is the height of male solipsism and selfishness, it is evidence of a marriage of one. It is flat out emotional and psychological abuse that seeks to completely erase the personhood of another.
It is not giving honour to the wife, it is pure contempt and arrogance. Any woman still in a marriage like this is clinging to a thin thread of commitment and a desire to please Christ. She sure isn’t with you because of your own skills and charm. Perfect love casts out fear. To not be heard is to be rendered powerless, a state that creates fear.
For some reason that Frank Sinatra song comes to mind, I Did it My Way. Yep, you can do it your way, but if you do, you sure aren’t doing it God’s way and you sure aren’t following scripture.
There’s a bit of scripture that is eluding my memory at the moment, but it addresses knowing what the Holy Spirit is speaking, versus what is “you” speaking. In order to learn to discern the difference, you must be come aware of what is “you,” your will, your desire, versus His voice, His will. My sheep know my voice….
If you can learn to recognize this within your own self, you will learn to recognize it in others, in which case you will become like me, tearing my hair out and driven half mad by a world that insists on trying to bend scripture so it says what they want, rather than bending themselves so as to glean the wisdom of scripture……