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I don’t wish to keep linking to my favorite non believer’s blog nor to my least favorite pseudo-Christian manospherian blogger, but I am rather fascinated by the fact that they are such far extremes of each other, opposite reflections, and yet both stuck on the precise same wrong page.
They are both wrong, wrong, I tell you, but oddly in agreement with each other. So the idea is that sexual chemistry is simply a physical thing based on hormones, pheromones, this chemical soup that creates attraction, a concept sometimes backed up with the presentation of elaborate evo/psych theories. The concept suggests that we are just powerless victims of our own biology, in the manosphere, hypergamy, in the non believer’s quarter, pure chemistry we have no control over. Love is an elusive and unrelated thing, as is spirituality. Invisible and often imaginary. Sex only exists in the carnal realm as an entity unto itself.
What they both seem to completely disregard is the biggest sex organ of all, our own brains. As much as we like to deceive ourselves, we are not these mindless beings ruled by nothing but biology and chemistry. Long before we even act or feel we have laid down the behavior, desire, and attraction within our own brains. We rationalize, justify, and rehearse everything we do, sometimes without even being aware of it. We create our own chemistry, produce our own pheromones, invent our own desires.
I cannot possibly know precisely what desire is like for men, so there may well be some differences there. Just the same, we share the same species and contrary to all the jokes we like to tell, I’m going to say that a huge part of sexuality actually goes on in men’s brains, too. The brain actually leads, the body follows. I’ll make an exception there for the teen age years when hormones seem to attack without anyone’s permission and the clutch in the brain can appear to completely disengage.
What has got my knickers in a knot today is this idea that there is a two or 3 year sexual honeymoon phase and then it is all over and you are stuck with another person for life. Condemned to a loveless, sexually flat marriage. This is used as an excuse for everything, from “serial monogamy” to the need for people to have extra marital affairs, to the alleged wisdom of living together rather than getting married, so you have a chance to make sure your sexual chemistry is going to remain intact. As soon as your so-called sexual chemistry expires you can hit the road and begin again with another person.
This is complete and utter nonsense. If you have just spent 3 years engaged in this wonderful sexual honeymoon, it does not just expire like a carton of rotten cottage cheese. Something in your brain has changed, something in your attitudes and perceptions has laid down different pathways, you have changed focus, altered your priorities. Sex, like anything else is an investment requiring your attention. We actually control the vertical and the horizontal.
No, we are not just born that way anymore than a pedophile is born with an unnatural desire for children. I don’t mean to tick anyone off, but people are somewhat androgynous outside of our brain chemistry. We create our own attractions, we begin laying down these patterns somewhere in early adolescence. Sex is a powerful thing, those are firmly imbedded patterns, like the craving for food. We have layers built upon layers of thoughts and experiences over years, closely entwined with the reward centers of our brains. Where our thoughts go, our body follows. We have to constantly reaffirm these attraction cues, too, invest in them so to speak, or else they quietly fade away.
People often don’t like to hear this. We claim to want control over our own bodies and our own sexuality, but when push comes to shove, we would really prefer not to confront that truth. It’s much more comfortable to simply declare ourselves to be powerless victims of our own chemistry. With the truth comes responsibility, accountability and often shame. Shame is a toxic little thing and often causes us to flee rather than to genuinely embrace the nature of our own selves. We like to try to encase shame with pride, wall off the infection, so to speak.
The thing is, we control the nature of our own attraction and there is genuine power there! I am all about empowerment and freedom. It’s actually kind of sad to read words from people who perceive themselves as victims of their own sexuality. We than proceed to make decisions, to walk that path we feel is being paved before us, as if we have no choice.
I am speaking in the context of marriage here. It has become a huge argument against the concept of marriage, this idea that marriage is going to be the end of our sex lives. This idea completely permeates every aspect of our culture, from the men’s rights advocates, to the feminists, from the non believers to the Christians. Our TV’s and popular culture are rife with it. At the moment we’re having spring break in some areas, this kind of celebration of youth and sexual liberation outside the “bounds” of marriage. Even our marital language implies marriage is a life of being bound, stuck, trapped, oppressed, balls and chains. Doomed to have thrown in the towel, relinquished our sexuality, sold out.
It’s totally bass akwards and it all begins with our brains, our attitudes, our perceptions, our belief systems. Sex does not simply exist in the carnal realm, it is entwined with the emotional, the spiritual, the psychological, the romantic. It is yet another aspect of ourselves that we truly create. Once we recognize that we are in fact driving the car, we gain control and are less likely to wreck the darn thing.
I realize that marriage is challenging to say the least, that it involves another person you cannot possibly control, that there are often huge issues involved in this dance, but just the same, we create our own realities, we create our own sexuality and we control the nature of our own desire.
Women especially need to get a grip on this, because in the midst of all this so-called sexual liberation and female empowerment, all I observe is complete chaos and massive confusion. Young girls are now having sex with people they don’t even like for reasons they can’t even fathom, outside of marriage, and calling it “sexual empowerment,” but within marriage it is becoming all about exercising your power by saying no and declaring I don’t “feel” like it. What we “feel” however can be a rather fickle thing, based on the things we first tell ourselves in our brains. This idea that what we “feel,” rules us, then takes us down this path of owing and being owned, of obligation and duty, of oppression and exploitation. It is like nasty little rabbit hole of confusion. Now we have people outside of marriage, people who don’t even really believe in marriage, pointing fingers at others and shrieking on about marital rape as if it is now this great crisis “we” must address. Whoa. I don’t even know what to say to those who are on the outside of marriage looking in and declaring rather self righteously that wives are doing womanly wrong and incapable of even owning their own sexuality and consent. Frankly, that scares the crap out of me.
Anyway, genuine sexual empowerment requires one to examine these belief systems, to explore the mind-body connection, to perceive sexuality outside of the carnal, and to address one’s own personal issues around concepts like shame and victimization, predators and prey, oppression and power. To advocate for the elimination of marriage because one experiences discomfort over these issues is myopic to say the least.
irtfyblog said:
Sexual attraction can be summed up in one word:
Twitterpated.
🙂
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Paul said:
Well said IB.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thanks for reading, Paul 😉
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thetruthisstrangerthanfiction said:
Amen… When sex is reduced to nothing more than a carnal arena, this not empowerment, but bondage…
Investment. Sacrifice. Mutual servanthood. All concepts completely lost in today’s understanding of marriage, but all absolutely crucial.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thanks truth, that’s a great way to sum it up. All absolutely crucial, indeed.
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flowerofthewoods said:
I think that sex is getting better the longer that my husband and I have been married. Now that he’s seen me in a number of awkward and unflattering positions and he still loves me anyway, it’s easier for me to relax and enjoy being with him instead of worrying about potential embarrassments. I’m more attracted to him now than I was during the first couple of years because I’m so much more comfortable and secure with him.
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zgypsy said:
Amen, Flower! And I’ll second that!
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insanitybytes22 said:
Oh, amen Flower! It really can just get better and better and better 😉
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lang3063 said:
I don’t get it. God values nothing more than people and I’m convinced women have an edge when it comes to His affection. He doesn’t hand them out to just anybody. How can we consider ourselves “entitled” to another’s devotion, affection or love? When Paul declares that the body of one belongs to the other he’s not describing some romantic ideal or oppressive legal ownership. He is pointing out that your spouse is worth all that you are and then some. God’s idea of relationships is all or nothing. Just as marriage is meant to be a model of our life in Christ so God’s sacrifice of His beloved son shows us what He means by “love.”
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lang3063 said:
Meant to include that this is an attitude that we cultivate in our minds. I think the implications for sex in marriage are obvious.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Amen, Lang. Well said.
Rather then a sense of entitlement, to cultivate some gratitude and appreciation instead just leads to so much more joy. I’m laughing here, but it really is a miraculous thing that any of us manage to find someone willing to not only put up with us, but to ignore all our flaws and actually appreciate us for our higher selves! To find such a person is a real gift, a blessing.
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Quixie said:
What if you married someone you were never sexually attracted to and haven’t been able to make that chemistry happen? (Because, ahem, that’s not my problem at all…I’m asking for a friend, of course?) I agree with a lot of what you said about a lot of it being in the brain but I think sexuality is very complicated and not just something you can choose.
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insanitybytes22 said:
I agree, sexuality can be very complicated. To say we cannot choose however, begs the question, then who do you suppose is doing the choosing?
For your friend who decided to marry somebody she knew she was not attracted to, that is a choice, that is taking control of your sexuality. The question there becomes, why? What was the payoff she received there? Because often when we make choices we are not even consciously aware of making, we make them from a protective stance, to validate something that is going in within ourselves. I don’t have the answer to any of those questions, but I know that even in arranged marriages people have still managed to build attraction, that even as people grow old together, they are constantly creating and recreating attraction. People get divorced and go on to build attraction with new people, so we know there is flexibility there.
This idea that sexual attraction is exclusively physical, is kind of a male defined idea, heavily promoted by our culture. I don’t believe that is entirely true and especially not for women. We may all have our physical cues, but I think attitudes, thoughts, perceptions, the feelings created by our spouses, play a huge role, too.
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Quixie said:
Great points. Why? What payoff? Trust, friendship, being hurt by former lovers and not trusting attraction combined with a naive idealism that marriage would solve all of life’s problems (ha ha ha ha ha!) I think what often happens is like you say people are no longer emotionally involved and that is tragic! Keeping the passion alive takes real work in any marriage (or so they say). Starting the passion is never talked about though because no idiot here in the West marries without those butterflies and goosebumps and heart flutters. All those marriage books about reuniting the passion are frustrating in that case and need to be thrown out the window! How does one rewire the brain for attraction though? I’d really like the answer. My friend has been trying for many many years to do this with no success. I completely agree with you that attraction goes beyond the physical especially for women unless of course your hormones are just raging then it could be just physical. We are not a slave to our sexuality though. Sorry, no coherent thought here just ramblings. I’ve also read people in arranged marriages building attraction but I think in many ways it’s easier since they have no prior sexual history and are bonded with that person so in their brain that person is associated with sex. Here in the West we get to choose. Is that good or bad? I don’t know. Our marriage success rate isn’t very good! I also wonder if they are actually attracted or just saying so bc it’d be taboo not to admit it? Again, more random thoughts…Good discussion…
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violetwisp said:
I think I agree with some of what you say there, our brains are very important in sexual attraction. Our noses play a huge part too. It’s a very complex mix.
“What has got my knickers in a knot today is this idea that there is a two or 3 year sexual honeymoon phase and then it is all over and you are stuck with another person for life. ”
I don’t know if you’re referring to my post, but that’s not what I said. The crazy drugged up sex chemicals do go after around two years, and I think if people commit to marriage before this point, they can find that they have problems when those chemicals are gone. Here’s a link about the chemicals, because you seem clueless:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4669104.stm
Elimination of marriage? Why not? I’ve never understood why people bother. If you love someone and the feeling is mutual, you stay together.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Goodness Violet, you and I have a spooky kind of synchronicity going on!
I just now read your post and you seem to have validated everything I was objecting to. Kind of funny, the “two or 3 yr honeymoon” thing I was speaking of was actually posted by a rather rabid men’s rights advocate who is as opposed to marriage as you are.
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violetwisp said:
Can I see the link? Sounds interesting. Did you read the BBC article? What did you think?
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insanitybytes22 said:
I did read the article, Violet. As usual it is a mediated narrative of so called “science,” that attempts to translate some research into cultural conclusions about human behavior and marriage. To even title the article, “Sex chemistry ‘lasts two years” is such a distortion of the research as to be labeled an outright lie. The fact that chemistry changes, that hormones fluctuate, in no way indicates that sex chemistry has an expiration date and just disappears. I, as well as other married women, can tell you that in fact, often sex becomes better and better as time goes by. Husbands can become more focused on our needs, we can tend to lose our own inhibitions, and sex can actually become a great deal of fun.
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violetwisp said:
Fair enough. I’m not 70 yet so I’ll have to take your word for it. 😉
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violetwisp said:
Oh, and can I have the link to the post you were talking about?
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insanitybytes22 said:
No. I think you already have enough fodder to last you an eternity and to aid you in your quest to validate your own non belief in both men and God Himself.
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violetwisp said:
I can Google. I’ve stalked you once to those red pill sites, sure I can do it again. 😉 Actually they don’t provide blog fodder, there’s something too grim and twisted, as opposed to deluded and confused, that makes them oddly unappealing.
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Quixie said:
Fascinating! Well, it’s definitely been shown that when people are in love there is a flood of dopamine to the brain which acts very similarity to the brain’s response to cocaine. Oxytocin is just as power but I wouldn’t call it the “cuddle” hormone. It’s what makes contractions start in labor/childbirth and is also involved in female orgasms. It provides feelings of DEEP attachment. That’s not too shabby and doesn’t seem like bad news at all for couples after the in-love hormone wears off. I think it’s possible for people to fall in-love again and get that dopamine rush, at least I’ve heard of that happening. My in-laws for example are VERY much in love after nearly 50 years and have a great sex life ( and here I am covering my ears because I don’t want to hear about how great their sex life is…la la la..can’t hear you…lol!)
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insanitybytes22 said:
Quixie, thank you for your comments, they are much appreciated. I am sorry you got snagged in my spam. I think you may have changed your avatar recently, but I have now fished you out, so all is well 😉
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Quixie said:
Oh! So that’s what happened… No worries 😊
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violetwisp said:
That’s interesting. I still find it odd that Christians have sex after their child-bearing years. The Bible is so clear in its condemnation of sex for lust/desire of flesh.
Oxytocin is comfort love, it’s uncomfortable to live without it when lost for whatever reason, but ‘in love’ chemicals are a formidable force when they’re in full swing.
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Quixie said:
I’m a bit unclear how you got the impression that sex for pleasure (at least inside marriage) is condemned in the Bible. I’m very interested in the topic so let me know what you find. It’s also interesting to look at early Christian’s views on the topic.
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violetwisp said:
I did a post a few days ago, ‘A curious Christian attitude to sex’. Bible quotes, St Augustine and Luther. Only one Christian contended it was wrong but he didn’t refute the quotes I gave. I’d be interested to know what you make of it.
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Quixie said:
Sure, I’ll take a look. 😊Please note I can’t speak on behalf of all Christians and I do know there has been much debate on this topic over the centuries, but I find it fascinating so I’m going to do some exploring…
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Quixie said:
Well, I have to say that it seemed more like you were baiting Christians so you could make a “I gotcha!” You seemed to make some leaps and come to some conclusions that I thought were a bit of a stretch.
However, I do understand the very confusing history of attitudes about sex and sexuality through the years in the Christian Church. I don’t have any great answers for you, honestly. I love Augustine and Luther, but they were totally screwed up in their attitudes about sex. These are two men who were incredibly influential in the Church but there words are not considered Scripture. Many people (Christians and non-Christians alike) still have screwed up/ unhealthy attitudes about sex.
God seemed to be pleased with the concept of man and woman in the Garden of Eden and erotic love is celebrated in the Song of Solomon. It is also acknowledged in the New Testament that husbands and wives are to not deprive each other of sex otherwise they’ll be tempted to cheat (I apologize for the lack of specific reference. I can look it up later but I’m on my phone right now). I could be making my own leap here, but I would think based on this that the sex would need to be satisfying for both parties in order to avoid this temptation. The NT also says that it’s better to get married than to burn with lust (thus implying that there should be something about the marital relationship that should provide sexual pleasure and satisfaction).
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violetwisp said:
Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, he was drowning in lust. He doesn’t illustrate any kind of sexual morality from a biblical point of view. The passages you refer to in the NT (1 Cor 7) were written to a specific group of people in a particular cultural context where periods of long separation were causing problems. I don’t understand why people teach this is a ‘law’, it’s a specific direction to those particular people to stop what they were doing AND he says “I say this as a concession, not as a command.” then continues that he wishes they were celibate like him. Sex is definitely not a good thing in the Bible.
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zgypsy said:
Read the article you linked to, Violet. Interesting.
Mr. Gypsy and I must both be freaks of nature as we have been married……ahem……a…very long time and we can’t keep our hands off each other! When younger, with the pressure of raising kids, all the activities, career, etc. it was different. Now with all that behind us it’s like being in our teens again…and it ain’t love(not saying we don’t love each other)…it’s lustfull longing for each other. He looks at me like I’m a 20 year old model and I look at him like he’s a 21 year old weight lifter. In reality, we’re more like the Pillsbury Dough Boy and Mrs. Butterworth. 😹😹 The point is we STILL have it bad for each other.
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Quixie said:
I’m so jealous. You are very blessed, but I’m happy for you!!!
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madblog said:
I think that the world of sexual “freedom” has absolutely robbed us of any chance of satisfaction. It isn’t a plastic prize to be grasped, discarded and grasped again and again but a priceless gift which needs devoted cultivation.
The world has got it exactly backwards. I believe that marital intimacy was designed to get better and better the longer we cultivate this relationship with that one person. That’s normal.
And it’s a beautiful picture of the God we have…those who stay faithful for decades find that deepening sexual intimacy is an undeserved gift for no other purpose than to be enjoyed and appreciated.
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zgypsy said:
Well, Violet….I for one am not 70…yet, however…considering, as Ms. Bytes said “sex gets better and better”…bring it on…Booyah!!!
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Human Relationships said:
Please visit http://zionpharmacy.com and you can ask the doctor about products, methods and just simple reccomendations! Sometime we need to have a more professional expertise about this issues!
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Andrew said:
My beautiful wife is the cure. I am blessed…
Intellectually we are totally incompatible (apart from faith in Christ).
Biologically, we are deeply in love…
Check back with me in a decade or so.
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Dreams Of Dunamis said:
One of my kids, (who can see into the spiritual world,) has described to me what can happen when two people are attracted to each other. When they are not believers, each person’s demons reach out to the other and create a ‘pull’ that both people feel as attraction. When two believers meet and are attracted to each other, (and when it is God’s Will,) it is their angels that help create this encouragement towards each other. Simplistic perhaps, but his description of what happens was eye opening for me.
Personally I have been affected by the sexual lust demon. It is just as the bible describes… a ‘burning’ feeling. Not all that pleasant when you really think about it. In order to get rid of the sexual lust demon, I had to cast it out in Jesus name. Thankfully, Jesus set me free from its burn…
(For believers only:
Getting rid of the curse of lust:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/glyndalomax/2013/06/28/wings-radio-with-glynda-linkous
and breaking the curse of divorce and division:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/glyndalomax/2013/07/19/wings-radio-with-glynda-linkous)
So many people today underestimate satan and his legions. But satan would like nothing more than to rip apart families through infidelity and divorce. Just think of how many people are injured through it…
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Michelle Styles said:
That “burning feeling” is herpes. My wife is a medical professional and has advised me to have you get that checked out. Infidelity and divorce is simple to explain. Marriage is work and both parties have to work at staying with it. Nothing more, nothing less. When one stops actively working the marriage is doomed. Why do people have to be ignorant to the reasons for divorce?
In the new instant gratification society I don’t doubt that the “me” generation has such high divorce rates. To few intelligent people left to form good solid marriages. Have I seen other cute women besides my wife? Yup I certainly have. Would I consider for a moment stepping outside my marriage? Not on your life. But that’s what it takes to make a marriage work. That’s why my wife and I have survived 16 years together. We know we both have to work to make it work.
The sex is only chemistry or demons is a cope-out used by those who aren’t willing to put in the work. If all that attracted you to your spouse was a sexual chemistry good luck making it work. I was attracted to the mind and heart of mine. Is she cute? Hell yeah she is. But her outside isn’t what I’ve ever found as the reason to marry her. What you describe is pure and simple physical attraction. It’s your mind being an animal because you’re not in control.
I wrote this some time ago.”To steel my soul I need but close my eyes to see her, inhale deeply to smell her, and whisper her name to hear her whisper mine. How do you tell one so special all you feel for her? Of this I have no answer but I look with favor toward our life together and shall never stop trying to find the right words. Until then I pray my heart is heard with its every beat by she who makes my world brighter with just a smile, a touch, a word or a thought. Her presence makes me a better me.”
It’s all in the mind, love, true love is in your head. I don’t need to see her to know her beauty. Because her beauty is far deeper than skin deep. I feel in love with who she is and not what she looked like. That sir is neither angel nor devil, it’s morals, commitment, honor and control.
Morals, in seeking for true love and not sexual attractiveness alone.
Commitment, to myself knowing I deserve to be seen for the me that will never fade with time just as my lover and wife deserves to be seen in the same.
Honor, in my words and deeds and staying true to my promises. “To forsake all others and to love her in richer or poorer until death do us part”. If you can’t even be true to the promises you make then you have no honor.
Control, of my animal mine and not fall for simple physical attraction.
But you can explain away a weak will and lack of commitment to your partner using simple chemistry or demons as a crutch. But I won’t and my wife and I will be together as we promised. “Until death do us part”.
Look Pinocchio, there ain’t no strings on me.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Michelle, that’s just an impolite and inappropriate comment.
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Michelle Styles said:
Sorry. I just don’t buy that excuse that love is only chemical or demon relat3d. Want love to last love what’s important and with what’s important. Your mind..
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