“We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers, but never blame yourself. It’s never your fault. But it’s always your fault because if you wanted to change you’re the one who has got to change”
-Katharine Hepburn
I cannot imagine how much trouble Katharine would get herself into if she were to say such a thing today. I can already see the Twitter wars, the Facebook fights, the insistence that she apologize immediately for suggesting such a thing. Everyone knows women are completely powerless victims of never ending oppression we have absolutely no control over. To even use the word “fault” is an appalling attempt to promote misogyny, shame women, and engage in victim blaming. Privilege, she has forgotten her privilege and is now persecuting everyone!
She is absolutely correct however, it is always your fault because you are the only common denominator in your own life. To believe anything else is to actually hand your power away. If one cannot accept fault, blame, responsibility, then one is basically saying they are completely helpless. One is rarely completely helpless. Even if your circumstances are beyond your control, you have the power to change your attitude towards them.
I’ve written quite a bit about the toxicity of shame and sometimes people disagree because they think shame is a way of regulating people’s behavior, of triggering their conscience so they make better choices. What it is however, is a huge minefield in the world that weighs people down so they get so resistant, they cannot even conceive of anything outside of the constraints of, “Who’s fault is this? It certainly isn’t mine!” In an instant everything becomes personal. You’re trying to blame me! Or women. Or men. Or some group I’m associated with.
That is the kind of division that toxic shame causes, the type of defensiveness and fear that encompasses it. It’s an attitude that creates complete gridlock. There can be no genuine change where there is no humility because everyone must remain resistant and walled off. Battle mode, I call it.
Congress is a good example. According to surveys what people want more than anything else in the New Year is for our congresscritters to come together and actually accomplish something. Of course in politics one does not dare admit to ever having made any mistakes because that just leaves one vulnerable to attacks from the other side. Along with not admitting fault however, comes a state of believing you have no responsibility, and therefore no power to actually do anything. In our leaders it leads to an approval rating in the teens. Congress is now less popular then several common diseases.
I say this over and over again, but the personal is really not political. You cannot change the world but you can change yourself. That is scary because so many people then have to confront the fact that they are carrying around all this toxic shame that is preventing them from moving forward. Ironically, when you take responsibility, you often discover that most of that weight you’ve been carrying around, doesn’t even belong to you.
made58 said:
Reblogged this on HelpingOthersHelpThemselves.
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marilynmunrow said:
Love this, you are very talented.
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marilynmunrow said:
Reblogged this on Marilyn Munrow and commented:
Wow powerful and very talented blog.
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SandySays1 said:
Thank goodness what you’re describing is a human trait and not a canine one. We dogs know we’re responsible for what we do. For example if we do dew on the floor we do the punishment. Funny how we woofers can accept this responsibility but some two-legged creature that is supposed to have a superior brain can’t take responsibility for not doing their homework. Guess who gets the blame.
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free speaking said:
Reblogged this on abracadabrasite and commented:
I changed myself by coming to WordPress. Shame should stayvon the heads of wrong doers. Blame should stay at the foot of those doing wrong and fault is sometimes out of our control.
For almost two years I followed the advice of the law. Those there supposedly to protect us. I satvin silence as I was instructed by them to watch and record everything. I watched in silence as those women riped my life, reputation and character to shreds.
I changed because I didn’t want to sit back an wait endlessly for the law to do nothing. Battle mode is kind of right.
Sometimes a woman has to stand up and defend herself. Men in uniforms don’t do that for you it seems. They simple allow you to suffer further degradation.
Sometimes shame is a weapon that needs testing. If manners, ignorance, the law, pleading, telling and demanding fails. Battle mode and shame it is.
Maybe until someone attacks every single aspect of your being you can not understand fully why…….maybe until you have someone constantly forcing their presence into your life by whatever means they can find.
When you stop at every word you write and translate it the way ‘they’ will twist it. When you can’t post a picture of yourself or a loved one because you know what they will do with it.
When you are just waiting for the next pile of poop they will throw at you. ….
I have no idea how I could possibly have prevented any of this. If I had a choice it would never have begun, never have continued and never still be happening today. However many stand by an watch. They don’t have the courage to say ‘this is wrong’ or they believe lies and are fooled. Either way the person at fault is still at fault. Continuing to add fault does not and never will place fault at the feet of another. ….
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Paul said:
I wasn’t exactly clear on your argument IB. I agree we have to take respocsibility for how we see the world around us. I also agree that we often can change the outcome of what happens to us by changing that attitude. The part I am unclear about is your argument that responsibilty moves to the individual. I would posit that there are two levels of reponsibility here – one, the common one, that assigns “blame” (who was at fault) and a second that says clearly that the actions of the individual can almost always affect the outcome of any situation. I personally had a rough run-in with this dichotomy one day (actually one 10-second period) some years ago. I had a head-on collision, while I was diving a tractor-trailer, with a car that crossed to my side of the highway in a turn at 2am. The other driver died – his remains encased in a steaming cracking block of twisted metal that was the remains of his car. I was unscratched. From a legal and moral perspective I was blameless. they just hauled away the wreckage and wished me a good day. The end. My personal sense was very different – if I had not been there at that moment in time, there would not have been an accident. In my mind this transferred responsibility to me personally, even though the law said I was blameless. I bent emotionally under this weight until a conversation with a good and trusted friend. It was common knowledge that the other driver had a medical condition that, without regular medication, would cause loss of consciousness. He also had had a number of small accidents that indicated that he did not have the condition under control. My friend argued that if I had not been where I was when I was, it was inevitable that sooner or later this other driver would have met a car or a motorcycle on the wrong side of the road and innocent people could have died. As it was, no one was harmed except the one on whom the “blame” had been assigned. i still think often about the accident and have accepted that my being there was one contributing factor, but i’m OK with that now – other than a bit sad – as I can see that my contribution was in no way causative.
This is perhaps an obscure example, but it points out the differences between blame and taking personal responsibility. We can almost always take some responsibility even when we are blameless – the big question is should we and to what extent?
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free speaking said:
Wow….I agree with your friend but understand how an event like this must cause any amount of emotions and trauma. If’s and buts must be pretty hard to deal with in your experience. Such a shame that someone else can so easily enter your life even for a few seconds and have such a lasting impression that you can never forget.
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Paul said:
That’s an interesting comment FS – and, in fact, there was a time period when I was angry at the dead man for dumping this emotional baggage on me. However, he was dead,and I was not, and he had no intention of doing what he did, so I couldn’t stay angry. I guess you could say it was a phase I went through as I learned how to deal with it.
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silenceofmind said:
The Catholics have a seemingly harsh prayer, a confession of sins, that is recited at the beginning of nearly every Mass.
It’s an ancient prayer called the Confiteor (I Confess) and an excerpt goes like this:
…I have greatly sinned,
In my thoughts and in my words,
In what I have done and in what I have failed to do,
Through my fault, through my fault,
Through my most grievous fault;*
It seems harsh by today’s standards because the person praying assumes total responsibility for his thoughts, words, deeds committed and deeds omitted.
*( See section, Usage in Catholicism) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confiteor
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Arkenaten said:
In an open ‘free’ society, yes, many/most women have the freedom to express themselves and enact change – for themselves and in many cases, the society around them.
Many Muslim woman, however,are not quite in the same position and it would be callous and the height of ignorance to assume otherwise.
Even the bible states that women must effectively sit tight and shut up.
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jsneese62 said:
I have often called the world we live in these days as the age of excuses. Kids and adults these days are allowed by society, courts, and their parents (if they are under 18) to blame anything or anyone for their wrongdoings but themselves. Blaming music, movies, and video games and even though some are downright graphic in lyrics or actions and really doesn’t add anything good to this world they do not cause anyone to do anything wrong. I grew up with some of the most violent cartoons ever like the Roadrunner and I never once ever tried to drop anything on another child’s head and I never heard of any other child doing that either. I hope you don’t mind but I am going to reblog this on my site.
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jsneese62 said:
Another thing I wanted to point out you mentioned that a person is seldom ever completely helpless and it made me think of battered women. Now before anyone gets all bent I was mentally and physically abused by my first husband, and mentally so bad by my second I suffer from severe social anxiety, PTSD, and clinical depression. Battered women often give all the blame to the man ( I did too for many years), however as bad as it sounds it is not totally the mans fault and I say this because many women believe if they marry them they can change them. Some believe the lies (fell into this one both times) of “I won’t do it again”, or “I just get jealous because I love you so much.” and instead of waling out as soon as the abuse starts and never looking back we hand over our control little by little, day by day, and by the time months and years go by we feel completely helpless. The fact still remains we hold fault in what happened to us and I don’t say this to lessen what has happened to anyone I lived years being terrified, however we have to realize our own fault in order to heal and not repeat the same mistakes again.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Oh, amen to that! In order to truly empower and heal women who are being abused, at some point we have to stop blaming the man entirely, because to do so is just like handing all your power away. What we decide to take responsibility for puts the reins back in our hands. Also, often victims really need to forgive their own selves, to free themselves, and that can’t happen unless one admits some responsibility.
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jsneese62 said:
Absolutely and after I left my second husband I was a mess but over the first two or three years after doing some heavy soul searching I realized that I gave them the power that they had. After the first time they harmed me and I stayed or kept going back I handed them more and more power with each time I went back or allowed that behavior. Also women need to learn that if a man treats her bad while dating it will only get worse if they marry.
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jsneese62 said:
Reblogged this on The Rough Christian and commented:
This a great insight into taking blame for what we do.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thank you for the reblog. 😉
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jsneese62 said:
You are welcome! I like the way you write!
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