Suckmywake wrote a good rebuttal to my post on men and entitlement. I actually can’t find anything in his post I disagree with, just a few ideas I can elaborate on. Here’s his post:
So, are nice guys boring? No, they’re not boring, they’re often full of integrity and kindness and all the things women really want in men. The problem is, so many women reject them out of hand, don’t see their worth and value. Many women take advantage of nice guys, lead them on, and then toss them aside. Sometimes women aren’t even aware of the cruelty behind that behavior.
Some of it can be blamed on female biology, and some of it is culture. Men are often raised to be kind and respectful towards women, while women these days are raised to be anything but kind to men. There is a kind of contempt for men in the world right now, created by feminism, by politics, by pop culture. No, it’s not okay, it’s somewhat appalling actually. The world we live in is a bit upside down at the moment.
The thing is, you can wait for the culture to right itself, or wait for the nature of women to change, but neither of those things puts the situation under your control. Learning about biology, women, and the nature of attraction, puts you in a much more powerful position, one that allows you to have some influence over how you are treated.
So what do women mean when they say nice guys are boring? That the attraction is missing. Everything is too easy. He rubs your feet, he’d give you the shirt off his back. She doesn’t even have to participate in that relationship, there’s no challenge. She can’t even figure out what she brings to the relationship, what she will need to do to please you. Her role in the relationship is to just exist. LOL, women cannot “just exist,” not ever. That is more of a guy thing. Women really need to be in pursuit of something or else we’re probably depressed.
There’s no pursuit, no tango being danced. She can’t test you out to see what you’re made of. There’s a bit of a power struggle that goes on in relationships, even after years. It’s a gentle and pleasant thing and it builds attraction. Without it, you usually wind up at boring. “Boring” is not a good place for women to be because boring leads to a lack of respect and then we soon arrive at contempt, and then you’re simply tossed aside in favor of someone else.
It’s not nice, in fact, it’s downright cruel, but it is heavily influenced by biology and by the nature of men and women. Danced properly, it’s an awesome thing. Not understood and it’s simply heart breaking.
Nice guys are not to blame for not knowing these things. There’s been a huge shift in our culture, a redefining of the nature of gender, a redefining of relationships between men and women, an attempt to redefine masculinity entirely. Everybody is a bit confused. I’m not even certain if we’re aware of biology anymore.
Nice guys don’t have to sacrifice who they are, their integrity, their respect for women. They don’t have to start acting like complete jerks, they simply have to recognize their value, their worth and expect to be pursued rather then the pursuers. Yes, they have to feel entitled to be pursued, sought after, desired. Worthy and advertised as such.
Men and women are simply different. Men tend to desire respect, so they like to assume that that is what women desire, too. Actually we tend to be more attracted to something akin to protection, to your ability to take care of yourself, to take care of us. Women will test you out to see how compliant you are. Seriously! If you are too compliant it actually tends to make women uncomfortable. You may be trying to show your respect, but she’s not really looking for respect at all. She’s trying to figure out what you’re made of. Are you easily pushed around? Easily manipulated? Do you think highly of yourself? So highly of yourself that you might even risk offending her?
There are a lot of reasons related to biology as to why women are the way they are. It’s a bit like a job interview, we’re looking for leadership, protection, the ability to kill bears. Men are being taught to go into this job interview bearing…respect and evidence of their kindness.
I don’t see how that’s supposed to work. I don’t think it does very often. I think a lot of nice guys simply get passed over. Yes, we could try to teach women to take a second look at nice guys, but it’s been my experience that women aren’t very good at even starting to recognize the nature of ourselves until we’re like, passing 40. I bet if we asked a dozen girls right now what they really wanted in a man, they’d all say, “a nice guy.” I’m doubtful. They really want somebody who can kill bears.