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There are certain protocols, mannerism men and women engage in while walking in the world. There are regional and cultural differences, even within America. Where I live, several generations of women have always walked along behind men. Some feminists who move here from the East, from urban areas, complain about it as if it were oppressive, sexist to see women walking behind men. It’s not, it’s actually kind, protective. Men go first because of sticker bushes, wet branches, deer poop, bears. In the really rural areas, men often carried riffles and sexist or not, you just don’t want to be the one walking in front of a rifle in case somebody trips.
I take a lot of elderly women to run errands, go grocery shopping. Without fail they will make me go first, to pave the way, to clear the path. It would be better if I could walk alongside them in case they slip, but it’s a bit of leftover cultural programming. Their sense of safety is entwined with knowing somebody is on the path ahead of them.
Doors and entering a room are another cultural quirk left over from long ago. When couples are together, men tend to go through doors first. That’s because you just don’t know what you’re going to encounter behind a closed door. It’s an old bit of frontier wisdom, there could be a fight going on, in which case opening the door for women and pushing them into the room like some sort of human shield, is just not polite. It’s kind of amusing, to this day I experience a moment of hesitation if hubby holds the door open and wants me to go first.
Driving is another oddity around here. If a guy really, really likes you, he’ll let you drive. It’s kind of ironic, feminists that come here from the city, from the East, tend to perceive women driving men around as some sort of equality thing. Au contraire, that is the one cultural quirk around here that could almost be labeled sexist, as in, just because you are in physical control of the vehicle, does not mean you are actually the one “driving”. Some of the men around here take backseat driving and dominance over the car, to a whole new level. You are clearly a chauffeur, a servant. I was driving an older man the other day and he told me to take a left, and another left, and another left, until I finally mentioned it seems as if we’re going in circles.
“Yes” he said smugly, quite pleased with himself, “I just wanted to see if you could follow directions.” It’s impolite to toss an elderly man out of a car, so I was forced to count silently, backwards in French.
I honestly empathize with some men, especially the young ones who are trying to express kindness towards women, trying to learn the rules. If you try to hold the door open for a feminist, she’ll probably give you a dirty look. If you try to hold the door open for a local woman, she’ll probably hesitate and want you to go through first. If you hold a door for a girl who really thinks she’s special, she’ll probably barge right through as if you don’t even exist.
It occurs to me that given the difficulties we experience simply trying to get through
doorways together, it’s quite miraculous that men and women ever manage to communicate together at all.
See, there's this thing called biology... 
Interesting. As an early baby boomer (i.e., a senior citizen) who has lived in many parts of this country, I am unfamiliar with any of the three gender role scenarios you mentioned. I have never experienced anywhere in this country where women will deliberately walk behind the men they’re with. In most cases, I see them walking hand in hand or at least side by side.
Nor have I experienced anywhere where women expect men to walk through a doorway or enter a room ahead of them or where men would feel compelled to do that. I was taught it was common courtesy for a man to hold a door open for a woman and let her pass. And in a group situation, the person arriving at the door first will usually hold the door open for others to pass through, regardless of gender.
With respect to who drives, I’ve not heard of letting a woman drive if the guy really likes her. If it’s my car, I drive…unless she asks me if she can drive. If it’s her car, she drives…unless she asks me if I would drive. And if I’m with my wife, I pretty much am the person behind the wheel unless we’re on a long drive/road trip, in which case we might split the driving time. But if she wanted to drive all the time, I’d be fine with that. It has nothing to do with gender as much as personal preferences
I guess it’s all about where and how you were raised, but I never found that any of these three scenarios created a barrier to communications between men and women. Or maybe I’m just not paying enough attention.
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I would suggest, take it how it’s offered, its usually instinctual to know if you are being complimented or disrespected, holding a door open for a woman is not suggesting that she is dependant or can’t do it for herself, it is an offering of preferential treatment. Love the post!
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Great post IB. You bring up some very valid points which I, as an urban dweller\, rarely expeience. Yoi are right on, though. .Much like in the olden days in cities, men always walked between the woman and the curb. This was partly to protect the women from building dwellers throwing their dirty water and such out the windows to drain down the street. and partly to protect her from wayward vehicles before our laws became stringent.She always walked in cl.ose to the building. In that case they would walk side by side because the danger came from the sides. In the forest, the few times I’ve ever done it, you always walk single file because the paths are generally narrow and because whoever is leading would be armed and would want full swing of a weapon without having someone beside them. Also most of the danger would be from the front, as most animals/people would also be on the path. It isn’t really sexist because of it happened that a woman knew the area best and was the one armed, she would automatically, without question, be the leader of the singe file. It is just that this type of work has historically more interested men (in the old days, it was a fullt ime job for the woman to take care of family and all that entailed).
Obviously whatever formation is most often used will become the de facto “normal” and be repeated everywhere unless there is a strong reason to change it (i.e. in any relationship I’ve been in, women will always lead in a buying environment or mall)..
In a way IB you are right, we have very complex rules (not always agreed upon) for even the simplest things. That being said most people who live and work together have long ago worked out the pattern, it’s those who do not know us or whom we do n t know that cause the differences of opinion. Whever any group (i.e. feminists) try to speak for individuals that theu do not know pesonally, that the problems start.
Great post – made me think. Thanks!
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Love the post! For me, and my wife, driving is like the remote control to the TV, which is probably a binky vestige from my infancy. 🙂
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A couple of guidelines I follow, although I don’t know how universal these are:
1) In a restaurant, the lady orders first. I also pay.
2) Walking along the sidewalk, we walk side by side – the lady closest to the building.
3) Except in business meetings where administrative aides constantly slip in and out of the room, stand up when a lady enters a room.
4) When applicable, open doors for ladies.
5) In waiting rooms or public transportation (airport shuttles), give up seats for ladies.
6) in church, take a seat in the rear or side of the sanctuary. (I am 6’4″, so I would block any view.)
7) Exhibit patience when a lady; a) gathers up her purse and belongings, b) stands up, and c) finally manages to exit a room, aisle, seat, meeting, etc, (I have no idea why this simple task takes ladies so long – I guess it is one of life’s mysteries.)
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Those are awesome guidelines. As to why it takes us so long to get up and gather our things, I have no idea either 😉
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It takes so little to be a gentleman, women love to carry ” stuff” that they ” need” they love to be prepared. Hey it takes a lot of work to be the fairer sex! Visit my blog you might enjoy it.
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